This is a prayer I wrote in my journal tonight:
"I feel so alone on this journey. I feel like Moses in the desert and people just don't understand--and I guess they cannot understand. I feel like I'm constantly battling in my spirit and I just can't rest... I can't stop. Constant tears, constant wrestling--my mind is always racing. Some think I'm miserable and ask, "What's the problem Brenda? You always look sad.. there is no joy!" Maybe they are partly right in the joy part. I try to explain but its of no use. They just don't understand the journey I'm on. In the past, I really thought I was like Moses in the desert. For 40 years he was in the desert alone with You. I would tell people that I think the Lord is trying to get me to a place where I can say, "You Lord are truly enough." And at that time I thought I was in that desert place, but looking back and seeing what I'm going through now, I don't think I truly was. But now I am...(I feel it and its so lonely and painful... its so hard!) But its also good. Because Lord You are trying to get me to that place of totally, pure reliance on You. In the past I had other people to fall back on but this time its different. This time its truly just You and me."
After this prayer I opened my Bible and the pages fell to Luke 14:33- "In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." In this sense, 'giving up everything' for me is giving up reliance on people and giving up trying to force people to understand the journey I'm on--that control. I'm truly beginning to understand what God is doing..I may think its lonely but actually, with Jesus, it really isn't.
Brenda, thanks for inviting me to partake into your thoughts. I read this and must say that I too have felt as you have. I shared at a prayer meeting not too long ago that being aliens in this world is even weightier when at times I personally have been made to feel like an alien even among my brothers and sisters in Christ. Don't ask me why though, I can't explain it. Anyhow, I suppose what is infinitely worse is when one feels deserted by God himself (don't even want to imagine THAT). All in all though, it reminded me of the following book that my pastor mentioned only a couple of weeks ago. I have it on my wishlist as I write. Perhaps like Moses, as he waited year after year, you too with have that personal encounter with our holy God. We ALL will. Blessings-
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